


I'm back, can't have shit in Hell

by RandomNoodleDish



Series: Dream SMP One Shots and stuff :) [2]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Crack, Funny, Gen, Spoilers, glatt!, okay well it started off as crack... then it wasn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:27:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28708161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandomNoodleDish/pseuds/RandomNoodleDish
Summary: Glatt enjoyed not existing. Then some people decide to do a little necromancy on the side, and he is sucked back into existence.Basically, this is a pov from Glatt of 1/10/21's event. Major cursing, but it's Glatt so IDK what else you would expect.
Series: Dream SMP One Shots and stuff :) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2169417
Comments: 4
Kudos: 100





	I'm back, can't have shit in Hell

The afterlife wasn’t so bad as people thought. Well, except for the fact it lacked his two favorite past times, drinking and smoking. So, it was that bad. Glatt sighed in the void and unbuttoned his suit. It was done out of habit; he didn’t feel anything as a ghost. At least his heart didn’t hurt, and he didn’t have to deal with that godforsaken server anymore. He wafted through the darkness, having only one other figure for company. He wasn’t exactly sure who it was since the other was shrouded—it was pitch black— but he didn’t care. Most days he just slept anyways. Every once and a while he’d look down, or up, at the server and see what happens. One time he even spoke from the beyond, beginning the whispers of, ‘Glatt’. Stupid name.

Suddenly floodlights blinded his eyes. He turned around, confused. Those only came on when someone was staying here…for good. He heard someone screaming as they fell, coming closer and closer to the bottom. Their voice grew louder too. A figure landed, well faceplanted, in the black. Dark eyes looked up at him in confusion. Those eyes didn’t recognize him, but he knew those eyes anywhere. Glatt stared. It was Ghostbur.

“Hello?” Ghostbur asked, squinting from the backlights.

He remembered when Wilbur first joined him in the void. He was surprised since it was so soon after his own death. It was a silent tense moment before Wil broke down laughing.

“I did it Schlatt! I blew that motherfucker up!” He proclaimed. His dark trench coat was dripping with blood. He died to a stab wound then.

“What, L’Manberg?”

“You were right Schlatt. The country dies with you”—Wilbur’s smile grew bigger—“Unfinished, but it’s gone. It’s gone! It’s gone!” His giggles grew. Schlatt looked at him in confusion. He didn’t remember Wilbur being this insane. How fast did the server go to shit after he left?

“I am way too sober to deal with you right now,” He decided. It was a calm night in the void. Both adversaries avoided the other, but the sound of unhinged giggles kept Schlatt awake. “Hey! Gigglebitch, would you shut up? I’m trying to sleep!” He rolled over mumbling other curses.

Schlatt woke up to the sound of wet gasps. He ran to Wilbur and saw jerking spasms. “Wil? Wil! Wake up!”

Blood dribbled out of his mouth as he croaked, “It’s not done with me. Th-The server…I’m dying again. Help! Help plea”— Wilbur’s body went through another violent shudder. Schlatt tried to comfort him and awkwardly cradled his onetime enemy, but he was out of his league. This didn’t happen to him when he arrived! Blood started coming out of his stomach again. Schlatt blinked and saw another form of Wilbur in his arms, one with a plush faded yellow sweater. The lights came on again in the void, but it was different. The light originated from a single point, like a black hole, but white. It became brighter and brighter, forcing Schlatt to close his eyes. It was still burning his eyes. He heard Wilbur’s scream. When he opened them, Wilbur was gone. Some blue dye surrounded Schlatt.

“What the fuck?” He asked to no one.

Sure enough, looking down at Ghostbur now, there was a small amount of blue falling next to the ghost. Weird. He tried to talk to him, but the lights came on again, and Ghostbur popped out of existence. Can’t they just leave the dead in peace? He sat down, poking the blue. It was more crumbly this time, he observed. He didn’t really know what the stuff was, but it was a sure sign of Ghostbur.

The lights came on again.

“Again?” groaned Schlatt. Another yell, another faceplanting ghost.

“Ow,” he said. This time the ghost stayed longer, but Glatt had other things to worry about. He hasn’t felt anything in months, but now, his heart started thumping wrong. A heart attack, he realized. The lighthole appeared again, and this time, he fell through with Ghostbur.

“Fuck this,” He said before passing out.

He heard a small yelp from his mind before opening his eyes. He was falling, surrounded by the white, but at the end of the tunnel was a small speck of color that was growing larger. As he got closer, he realized that dot was the SMP.

“What the”— It hadn’t hit him yet. He was back— “The fuck. T-The fuck is this? I was- Oh my god I was jerking off! What the fuck is goi—where am I?” He heard others shouting like they heard him. His humor deflected his real panic at the situation. Sure, he might technically have one more life, and he could have even just been a regular ghost, but he didn’t want to come back. He started trying to grasp onto any surface of white, desperate to crawl away from the incoming world. There was more shouting. He complained, “Oh god, what the fuck is this?” He heard Fundy started saying ‘wait’, but he cut off the fox’s panic, “No, no, no, no, no. Fuck this. Fu—I don’t wanna come back to this goddamn server. I’ve said”—he started laughing in denial—“no, no, no, no. You guys don’t understand. I’m canonically dead. That’s what I want. Glatt!...Glatt!” The white was slowly becoming a pinprick as he was swallowed by the SMP.

He felt his heart flutter before he was pushed in the backseat of control. “Nah dude, nah dude it’s not—it’s not going to happen. I’m sorry I gotta go. I was in the middle of something” He shouted, signing off and waited for the white to take him back. Surely, this was just some mistake, right? He saw Ghostbur faceplant back onto the SMP, and ow, he felt that too. He was looking through the ghost’s eyes! He watched Ghostbur’s frustration with the others, but no one knew what was going on. Apparently, they were trying to bring back Alivebur. Idiots. Even Schlatt knew that resurrection was impossible without a totem. Then Ghostbur mentioned needing a totem too. Weird. Ghostbur walked to some blue altar thingy with several people watching him. He recognized a few, but there were new faces too. He looked down and saw he had real skin…Real skin that wasn’t his. A small breeze caused him to clutch his—not his, whose?—yellow sweater. The people surrounding the shrine all started talking, like they saw him. They did see him, he realized. He wondered if Ghostbur knew that he was here too.

Shit, he needed a cigarette, and a drink. Apparently, his thoughts carried over because he overheard Ghost boy ask for the same thing before the weaboo guy in a fucking bucket hat said no. He ignored the conversation until his ears perked up at ‘protein powder’.

_Alright move out the way hot stuff_ , He shoved Wilbur out, _I want on_. Wilbur let out a small cry as the body shuddered with its new inhabitant. His posture changed, and he even felt the weight of his horns now!

“Did someone say protein powder?” He asked politely and smirked at Eret. Glatt felt a pull as he was pushed out of control again, causing Wilbur to cough violently. He waited patiently for their monologues about totems and finding them before he got bored again. 

He grabbed control one last time for an important message, wiggling his eyebrows. “Big. Booty. Goddess.”

**Author's Note:**

> UGGHHH I WAS WORKIN ON SOMETHING ELSE! Then, JSchlatt, with his dulcet tone, saying "BBG" made me do this crack fic.
> 
> Hot piping Techno angst coming up next! Also possibly thinking on having kind of a interconnected fic verse therefore making this a series? If that's what you would like. I try to write things as within canonical possibility so yeaahhhhh.


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